Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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