What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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