I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
