Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
