Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
