if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
