I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
