my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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