worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
