God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
