I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
