that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
