i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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