there's paper in my vomit.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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