Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
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