I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
