Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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