Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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