I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
