I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
