u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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