i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
