Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
