i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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