I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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