I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
