On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
