So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
