k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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