Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
