i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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