At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
