I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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