Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
