Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
