this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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