u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
