sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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