I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
