You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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