worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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