I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
