I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
