he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
