everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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