Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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