I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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