did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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