i think my tv is drunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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