Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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